Terrible Crack AkuRoku Story
by Nekotsubasa
Summary: Rainbow puking unicorns, Miley Cyrus tyrannosaurus rexes, emos, bad writing, and Marluxia's fat butt. This must be crack, ladies and gentlemen. x Now with a ninja space pirate of awesomeness sequel! x
1. Chapter 1

Warnings: Crack, slight Twilight bashing, slight Miley Cyrus bashing, AkuRoku(?), and lazy, practically unedited writing.

Disclaimer: I don't own Kingdom Hearts, or Cinnamon Toast Crunch. In fact, I don't even like that cereal, so don't ask me why kids love it.

It was a beautiful day in Kingdomheartsland! The sun was shining, the birds were singing, and unicorns were puking rainbows onto Riku's brand new shoes. How could Roxas, second resident emo next to Zexion, not at least crack a smile? In fact, he was feeling so uncharacteristically cheery, that he was skipping through a field of beautiful flowers and lush grass.

Then everything went to Hell.

"Hey, Roxy~" a voice purred, and Roxas was tempted to throw himself into the pits of Hell, which were conveniently located next to Kingdomheartsland, but resisted his emo urges. Roxas is emo, since of course everyone who ever gets depressed (or has their hair in their eyes or covering an eye) must be emo. He purred around with a grim expression, eyeing the gothic dressed red head floating on a cloud of happiness behind him. Axel was dressed like a goth, since anyone who ever gets tattoos or dresses in black must be goth. But Demyx isn't goth, even though he wears the exact same outfit as Axel, because he's the resident super gay cheerleader of Kingdomheartsland and can see why kids love the taste of Cinnamon Toast Crunch.

"Oh god, you. Go away," Roxas growled, because he hates Axel even though the man is supposed to be his best friend. This is because Axel is a pervert, since all smug people or people with friends younger than them must be perverts.

"No, I don't think I will. Want to hear a joke?" Axel continued to purr seductively. Since obviously purring is something sexy and seductive, not a sound produced by cats when they're happy and content.

"Okay, fine!" Roxas agreed angrily, since he obviously must have really wanted to sleep with Axel, even though he acts like he hates them when they're really supposed to be best friends. Obviously.

"What's the difference between a straight man and a lesbian?" Axel asked. Roxas pondered the question, and furrowed his brows in concentration. Meanwhile, someone flipped a page in Twilight and a puppy died.

"I give up. What?" Roxas finally asked Axel in the meadow of flowers and joy.

"A lesbian gets boobs wherever she goes!" Axel enthusiastically explained. Roxas facepalmed like it was a real word before turning to leave.

"Nooooo! Roxaaas!" Axel cried, and fell to his knees in sorrow. His happiness cloud had turned into a frowning rain cloud, and rained on him as he used a miniature chakram he pulled from his pocket to start cutting his wrists. Just as it seemed like his world was spiraling down into a deep abyss of depression, a colorful poof of smoke pulled him from his tears.

"Axel, cry no more! You're fairy god mother is here!" Sora declared as he stood in front of Axel decked in a colorful dress and fake fairy wings.

"Oh, Sora!" Axel sobbed and hugged his fairy grandmother. "I don't think Roxas is ever going to love me, and… and… my mascara is running!" he cried. Sora patted his back soothingly while wiping away his make-up stained tears.

"There, there, Axie, I know just the person to go to!" Sora comforted him, and with a tap of his paopu wand, they suddenly poofed into a throne room. Everything in the throne room was a shade of blue, and there were fish tanks and musical instruments all around. Demyx was strumming his guitar on the throne.

"Demyx? I thought you were captain of the cheerleading squad!" Axel questioned, and Demyx grinned brightly at them.

"Oh, I was, but I got promoted to Lord of Kingdomheartsland, so now Marluxia is the captain of the cheerleading squad!" the blonde bubbly explained, and pointed to where a group of crossdressing men where getting ready for cheerleading practice.

"Oh, Vexen, are you sure this skirt doesn't make my butt look big?" the pink haired man asked the scientist.

"What? But Marly's a fag! You were the best cheerleader this country ever saw, Dem! You had enough love and sparkles to make up the whole Twilight series!" Axel gasped; completely forgetting about Roxas and his messed up make up.

"Yeah, but being king is so much cooler, Ax! What did you come here for anyway?" Demyx argued, and watched in confusion as Axel suddenly grew very depressed.

"I have nothing to live for!" he cried, and made a run for the window. Sora tried to stop him, but it was too late as he dived out the window, did several flips in midair, and then nose dived into a pool of cranberry sauce. Kairi, Xion, and Naminé cheered in awe from the judges' table, and held up signs with high scores on them. Axel climbed out and bows to his applause, but was cut off by a blood chilling cry.

"What could that be?" his fairy god mother gasped; magically appearing next to him. As though to answer his question, a giant tyrannosaurus rex with Miley Cyrus's face crashed through the castle wall.

"Well, shit," Sora stated, and disappeared in a puff of smoke.

"Ah, hell! Don't just leave me here with that thing! You're a terrible fairy god mother, Sora!" Axel complained. He gulped, and turned to face the hideous pop dinosaur monster. Just as he was sure he as too be killed, Roxas flew out of no where wearing a cape and tight spandex.

"Falcon PUNCH!" Super Roxas shouted, and punched Tyrannosaurus Miley Cyrus in the face. She(?) exploded on contact from the awesomeness created by Roxas's Chuck Norris-like powers.

"Oh, Roxas! You saved us!" Naminé cried dreamily, and ran to him. However, she got Falcon Punched too because this shitty crack AkuRoku story is bad enough without that gross stuff.

"Damn that was sexy, Roxy. How about you and me go back to my place, if you know what I mean?" Axel told him, and winked overly-suggestively.

"Hell yes!" Roxas shouted, finally managing to make it out of the closet and throwing himself at Axel. Just as it seemed like Axel was finally going to get laid, Xemnas smiled and all of the puppies still alive died, so the world didn't have enough cuteness to keep running and ended. Everyone died. Except for Xigbar, who was too ninja to die. The end.

A/N: Every time you turn a page in Twilight, a puppy dies. True fact.

Oh man, oh man, I don't even know what this is anymore. It started out as crack, then started making fun how stupid the fandom can be, and then I tried to make it crack again, but I don't even know anymore…

None of this, from content to my writing, is serious, so please don't take it as so. Except for the thing about a puppy dying when you turn a page in a Twilight book. Seriously, guys. Think of the puppies.


	2. Chapter 2

A/N: It somehow got into my head that I needed a second chapter to be the sequel. Humor isn't even my specialty, so don't ask me either.

I thought about finally editing the first chapter, but it seemed more amusing unedited and crappy. Maybe I'll eventually get around to it anyway. (Lies!)

- - - - -

Every since the world ended, Xigbar had been terribly lonely. Because he was the only one ninja enough to survive the zombie apocalypse, he instead wandered the universe as a space pirate with only his zombie pirate crew for company.

"Oh, Zombie Luxord, I just don't know what to do…" the man with the eye patch sighed.

"Braaaiiins…" said Zombie Luxord, and gnawed on Xigbar's head.

"Maybe I should get a hobby? Like stamp collecting or something," Xigbar told his undead friend.

Luxord drooled on his head.

"You're right, Luxy! Why didn't I think of that myself!" he thanked his friend before shooting out of his seat. Luxord's face hit the kitchen table without Xigbar's head to gnaw on, and his rotting eyeball popped out of its socket.

"Aaaauuuurgh," said Luxord.

Xigbar used his ninja powers to stealthily arrive in the control room, where he pushed Zombie Zexion out of the captain's seat.

"Out of the way, you maggot riddled emo!" Xigbar yelled while pressing random buttons. Since he didn't actually know what anything did.

"Brains!" Zexion sobbed, and hid his hands in his face. He ran out of the room; leaving a dislodged toe behind.

"Stupid emo kids…" the ninja pirate of awesomeness muttered, and pressed the big, red button that would activate the course set by all of the random buttons he pressed. The ship was engulfed in darkness for a few minutes, before the space ship suddenly lurched forward and disappeared in a swirl of colors.

"Welcome!" a bright, cheery voice boomed from the speakers in the cabin, and once Xigbar found his way off of the floor, he saw a grinning man on his computer screen.

"Who the Hell are you! Get out of my TV, you creep!" Xigbar demanded, and waved an angry fist at the strange man.

"I'm afraid I can't! I am The Interactive User Manual To Light Speed Travel! Inty for short. Is this your first time traveling with light speed?" Inty asked him. Xigbar around the screen to peer outside, and stared blankly at what he saw.

"Light speed travel?" he repeated; staring at the swirling, bright rainbow colors.

"Duuuude, this is like… the best trip ever, man… Good stuff…" a hippie said as he floated past.

"Riiight… " Xigbar grunted in disbelief and turned back to Inty. "Are you sure someone just didn't slip something into my drink again?"

"Definitely! Would you like me to explain how to properly use light speed travel?" Inty asked with another bright grin.

"No." Xigbar told him monotonously.

"Oh. In that case, enjoy this video of someone throwing a shoe at George Bush!" The computer screened changed to a video of a boring conference, and Xigbar chuckled in amusement as a shoe was thrown at a man.

"Heh heh… yeah…" the eye patched man sighed with a content smile. His amusement was soon ruined though, as he was thrown off balance by the ship violently shaking.

"What? Aliens?!" Xigbar gasped, and turned towards a zombified Xaldin.

"Bring up the main screen!" he demanded.

"Braaaaiiiins… " Xaldin moaned, and pressed a few buttons. The computer screen disappeared, allowing them to see outside of the ship clearly. They had stopped traveling at light speed, and were being attacked by not aliens, but savage Twilight fans. In spacesuits!

"Oh god no!" Xigbar screamed like a little girl, and turned towards where Zombie Demyx had been strumming his sitar the whole time instead of doing anything useful.

"Go find Axel and Roxas!" the ninja space pirate ordered. Demyx shook his head so frantically that locks of his hair fell out.

"Brains!" the zombified musician cried.

"What do you mean 'no'?! This is a life or death situation!" Xigbar growled, and gave Zombie Demyx THE Look.

"Brains brains brains brains!" Demyx whimpered, and Xigbar blanched with obvious disgust

"They're doing WHAT in a closet? Ew, zombie porn! Bad mental images, man!" he groaned, and pretended to gag. He would probably gouge his eye out, but he had tried that once and if his eye patch said anything, it didn't end well.

"Fine then! I can handle this myself!" Xigbar huffed. He grabbed the controls, and did a barrel roll that would make Peppy proud. Then he fired his lazah like shoop the whoop and BLAAAAAH'd all over the Twifail fans.

"Edwaaaard!" one of the Twilight fans screeched and threw herself at the ship.

"Sweet ninja space pirate awesomeness!" Xigbar cursed. "Take this, you foul beast!" he cried, and fired the AWESOME ray at the Twilight fans.

"Noooo! Not awesome!" the Twilight fans cried in union and burnt to ash inside their space suits.

"Ha! Take that, you stupid Twilight fans!" Xigbar laughed.

"Brains brains brains," Zombie Demyx said.

"Quiet, you jobless slob! Only zombies with successful educations can make victory remarks!" Xigbar growled.

"Brains…" Zombie Demyx sniffled, and went to go join Zombie Zexion in their emo sulking. Satisfied with his daily zombie bashing, Xigbar turned his attention back to the main screen. When he did so, he was both shocked and overjoyed to see his space pirate ship was approaching Pandora.

"Omigee, yay!" Xigbar squealed, and flew his ship down to Pandora. And then he lived happily ever after with those freaky, drugged up blue cat things. The end.


End file.
